LOVERS' INFINITENESS
by spottedhorse
Summary: Inspired by John Donne. Gil is missing Sara.
1. Chapter 1

LOVERS' INFINITENESS

Gil Grissom sat at his desk in his apartment, an entomology text open but unread. His mind was no longer on the bee sitting in the dish on the smooth surface of his workspace, but was focused on the only life form that fascinated him more than insects, his Sara.

She had called that morning, sounding sad and a little lost. He had offered once again to go to her, even if for just a few days to provide whatever support he could. But once again, she had refused his offer. She didn't want him there, she told him. She needed to do this on her own. And once again, his heart had broken.

As the time had passed since her departure, Gil had experienced so many emotional ups and downs. He missed her terribly and wanted to be with her. And he was afraid for her, emotionally. Then there was that other fear; the fear that she was slipping away from him and would never return.

What if she no longer loved him? What if she found someone else? Gil pondered these questions and decided, for about the thousandth time since she left, that as long as she was happy, he could bear it. He wanted her to be happy.

But he still loved her; loved her even more and more and needed her in his life. Nothing was the same without her. Everything seemed a little…empty. As he thought his thoughts, he wished that he could express them to her in their phone conversations. It wasn't that they didn't have serious conversations, but when it came to telling her how he felt about her, his tongue always got knotted up and his mind went blank. Sadness enveloped him as he reflected on his inability to just say what he felt.

Suddenly an idea struck him. Walking to his bookshelves, he perused the covers until his eyes landed on the desired volume. Pulling it from the shelf, he walked back to the desk. He pulled a sheet of paper out of his drawer and began writing.

_My dearest Sara,_

_I enjoyed your call this morning but was saddened to hear the sorrow in your voice. I wish you would let me come see you. I want to hold you and comfort you, but most of all I simply need to see you. The apartment is lonely without you, I am lonely without you. By the way, so is Hank. _

_As time has passed, I confess that I have become frightened that I am losing you. I know you feel you must do this 'thing' on your own but please honey, let me inside your grief, if only a little. Let me try to help or at the very least, just be there for you. I don't think you should be alone and I know how empty I feel without you. Please, I need to see you, to hold you…to love you._

_It seems I am always relying on others to speak for me where you are concerned and this time I am recalling the words of John Donne._

_I__F__ yet I have not all thy love,  
Dear, I shall never have it all ;  
I cannot breathe one other sigh, to move,  
Nor can intreat one other tear to fall ;  
And all my treasure, which should purchase thee,  
Sighs, tears, and oaths, and letters I have spent ;  
Yet no more can be due to me,  
Than at the bargain made was meant.  
If then thy gift of love were partial,  
That some to me, some should to others fall,  
Dear, I shall never have thee all._

_Or if then thou gavest me all,  
All was but all, which thou hadst then ;  
But if in thy heart since there be or shall  
New love created be by other men,  
Which have their stocks entire, and can in tears,  
In sighs, in oaths, and letters, outbid me,  
This new love may beget new fears,  
For this love was not vow'd by thee.  
And yet it was, thy gift being general ;  
The ground, thy heart, is mine ; what ever shall  
Grow there, dear, I should have it all._

_Yet I would not have all yet.  
He that hath all can have no more ;  
And since my love doth every day admit  
New growth, thou shouldst have new rewards in store ;  
Thou canst not every day give me thy heart,  
If thou canst give it, then thou never gavest it ;  
Love's riddles are, that though thy heart depart,  
It stays at home, and thou with losing savest it ;  
But we will have a way more liberal,  
Than changing hearts, to join them ; so we shall  
Be one, and one another's all._

_Please my love, let me be your all. You are mine._

_Gil_

His hand found the stamps in the desk drawer and he placed one on an envelope before addressing it. Putting his pen down, he whistled to Hank. "Let's go for a walk," he told the dog.

The pair walked down the block to a mailbox on the corner. Gil stood with his hand on the handle, looking at the letter. He remembered another letter from two years ago; one he never mailed. Opening the box, he dropped the envelope inside. Then smiling he turned to walk with Hank back home. This time he mailed the letter.

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The poem is LOVERS' INFINITENESS by John Donne. As most of you know by now, I'm not a GSR fan. But I thought I'd give it a shot since I have so many GSR fans who read my stuff and are so gracious in their comments, even though they would rather Gil be with Sara. I hope everyone finds something enjoyable in this little piece. Please leave reviews; they keep me inspired. And I have learned so much from them too!


	2. Chapter 2

She ambled down the path to a bench, their bench that looked out over the bay. Quietly she sat, her eyes scanning the park and then the water. In her hand she clutched an envelope. Finally she sighed and with shaking hand opened it. This time Gil had mailed his letter.

She hadn't known what to expect when she found it in her box. Was it a Dear Joan letter? Her heart had cramped at the thought. She knew he was more comfortable with words on a page than spoken ones, so maybe he had important news that he couldn't tell her over the phone. As she studied the envelope, various thoughts and fears had run through her mind. So she decided to go to their bench to read his letter.

Tears pooled in her eyes as she read. She could hear his soft sweet voice in his words. And she could hear his pain too. She had understood that he had been hurt by her leaving. As she stared at the pages, she realized how much.

Surveying the water, she thought about her options. A phone call was quickly dismissed. Neither of them would be able to say over the phone what needed to be said. Two days later, she responded to his letter.

Gil made it home after a long shift, tired but knowing that a walk with Hank was still on his to do list. He checked his mailbox and then tiredly entered his apartment. Hank greeted him at the door. Tossing the mail on the coffee table, he hooked the dog to his leash and they headed out. Consequently it was sometime later when he finally noticed it…an envelope with her handwriting sitting in his stack of mail.

He took a deep breath and sat on the couch before opening it. Finally, he ripped the end and slid the pages out. Her low silky voice sounded in his ears as he read.

_My dear, dear Gil,_

_I got your letter. I am sorry. I knew that you had been hurt by my sudden departure but until now, I hadn't realized how much. Hurting you was the last thing I wanted to happen. I wish you would have told me when we talked, but I understand that you could not…it isn't you._

_I sat by the bay on our bench as I read your letter. As I looked out over the water, I thought of our first time there, all of those years ago. I wished that we could go back; knowing what was to come I would have never let you leave me then. So many years lost as we tried to figure things out…_

_I needed to come here, to put the past to rest. But as I've haunted some of the old places, I have come to realize that they have moved on without me. It is as if all that happened to me has been forgotten. As I read and reread your letter, I realize more than ever that I need to let it go. There are no answers for me here._

_My answers lie elsewhere. As I sat on that bench, my mind wandered through so many memories, memories of you…and me._

_Referring once again to John Donne…_

_WONDER__ by my troth, what thou and I  
Did, till we loved ? were we not wean'd till then ?  
But suck'd on country pleasures, childishly ?  
Or snorted we in the Seven Sleepers' den ?  
'Twas so ; but this, all pleasures fancies be ;  
If ever any beauty I did see,  
Which I desired, and got, 'twas but a dream of thee._

And now good-morrow to our waking souls,  
Which watch not one another out of fear ;  
For love all love of other sights controls,  
And makes one little room an everywhere.  
Let sea-discoverers to new worlds have gone ;  
Let maps to other, worlds on worlds have shown ;  
Let us possess one world ; each hath one, and is one.

My face in thine eye, thine in mine appears,  
And true plain hearts do in the faces rest ;  
Where can we find two better hemispheres  
Without sharp north, without declining west ?  
Whatever dies, was not mix'd equally ;  
If our two loves be one, or thou and I  
Love so alike that none can slacken, none can die.

_I meant what I said when I left. I love you; I always will. And you are my only home. Our two loves are one. And so, if you will have me, I am coming home. It will take me a few days to wrap things up here. I will warn you, this experience has changed me in some ways, but my love for you has only grown. _

_Unless you tell me no, I should be back next Saturday. I can't wait to see you._

_All of my love,_

_Sara_

Silent tears trickled down his face as he finished. Quickly he reached for his phone and hit the speed dial. The call went to voice mail. He swallowed and then left his message.

"Hey, it's me." He paused. "Yes." Another pause. "Hank and I will be waiting for you on Saturday."

He closed his phone, sighed and then headed for his bed. He needed to rest. Tomorrow would be a busy day. He had much to do before she came home.

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Okay, you asked for it…another installment on the story. I hope it satisfies. And now, I think it is complete.

BTW, the poem is John Donne's The Good-Morroow.


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